Why Ruthlessness is Essential for Good Sex

What if the secret to great sex wasn’t just love, trust, or intimacy, but ruthlessness?

In Michael J. Bader’s book Male Sexuality: Why Women Don't Understand It—And Men Don't Either, he explores sexual ruthlessness as an important ingredient for experiencing maximum sexual satisfaction.

Bader argues that a certain level of ruthlessness is essential for good sex because it allows us to fully engage in our desires without feeling conflicted or shut down. His version of ruthlessness is not about harming or disregarding a partner but rather about setting aside the concerns that often block sexual enjoyment.

Ruthlessness in the Context of Sex

Oxford Learner’s Dictionary defines Ruthlessness as: ​“Hard and cruel behavior; being determined to get what you want without caring if you hurt other people.”

Bader, on the other hand, describes ruthlessness in a sexual context as being necessary for sexual excitement. He defines ruthlessness as when we “momentarily become selfish and turn away from concerns about the other’s pleasure to surrender to our own, that we momentarily stop worrying about hurting or rejecting the other person.” He further states that ruthlessness is “the capacity to "use" another person without concern that the other will feel used.” This form of "using" isn’t meant to disregard how that person feels but rather that they don’t need to be taken care of temporarily, so we can lose ourselves in our selfish excitement without feeling guilty, worried, or ashamed.

Thus, Bader believes that ruthlessness in the sexual context isn’t about harming, disregarding, or being cruel to your partner, but involves letting go of the sexual hang-ups that get in the way of reaching sexual fulfillment. He argues that by being unapologetically yourself during sex and seeking your pleasure, you enhance the enjoyment of your partner. Therefore, being a bit ruthless in bed isn’t cruel, but kind.  

The Disruptors of Ruthlessness

Let’s break down what gets in the way of being ruthless in bed. According to Bader, guilt, worry, shame, and rejection are the biggest inhibitors of ruthlessness.

1. Guilt and Worry

According to Bader, sexual guilt is feeling bad or unworthy for prioritizing our pleasure. It arises from an internalized worry that we could harm or neglect our partner by pursuing our sexual needs. He believes that feelings of guilt are strongest if we feel responsible for our partner's emotional well-being. If we take on too much responsibility, we might suppress our desires to avoid offending our partners, appearing selfish, or angering them, which could lead to punishment or rejection.

Bader describes how men often feel bogged down with guilt about the possibility of hurting women or not satisfying them in bed. This is compounded by being raised in a patriarchal society, where men aren’t encouraged or taught how to connect on an emotional level. Women don’t always help the situation either, as they often perceive men as being emotionally distant and thus, selfish. If a man believes their partner thinks they’re self-centered, how can they be ruthless in bed? The answer for men then is to prioritize their partner's pleasure over their own, leading to a sense of responsibility that can inhibit their authentic sexual expression.

As a woman, who has worked with many female clients, I believe the same is true for us. We too are held back by guilt, though the origin of the guilt might be different. Women are often taught (though not necessarily overtly), to prioritize giving over receiving. We also can internalize the false belief, perpetuated by society, that our only role in sex is to ensure that our partner has pleasure, even at the cost of our own. When we focus on our desires, guilt often arises, as if wanting pleasure is somehow greedy or wrong. Additionally, societal stigmas around female sexuality, such as shame around being too assertive or enjoying sex too much, further reinforce this guilt, which can also inhibit our authentic desires and reduce arousal.

2. Shame and Rejection

According to Bader, sexual shame is an internalized discomfort or embarrassment about our perceived defectiveness as a person. That somehow we’re inferior or unlovable. It arises from internalized fears of being rejected, often developing from our early childhood experiences where our natural sexual impulses were met with disapproval, either by parental figures or society. Under these circumstances, a conflict between our normal desire to experience sexual pleasure and a fear that doing so is somehow wrong or harmful can develop.

Sexual shame is a common issue that clients bring to my office, especially women. It often stems from societal norms, cultural taboos, and upbringing. Women are frequently taught to associate their sexuality with moral judgment, where expressions of desire are seen as inappropriate, promiscuous, or even dirty. This sexual shame is exacerbated by the pressure to conform to impossible standards. For example, being sexually appealing yet not "too sexual," prioritizing our partner's needs over our own, and avoiding behaviors that appear too assertive or egocentric. As a result, women not only have shame about their desires but also their bodies, leading to a disconnect from their own pleasure and authentic self.

Overcoming the Obstacles that Prevent Ruthlessness

According to Bader, to fully express and embrace our unique sexual needs we need to lower our inhibitions and become more selfish in bed. For this to be a healthy ruthlessness and not a blatant disregard for our partner and their needs, I recommend focusing on the five things below:

1. Prioritize your own needs

Prioritizing your own needs in bed begins with recognizing that your pleasure matters and is just as important as your partner's. Remind yourself that focusing on your needs is not selfish and that there’s no need to feel guilty about wanting to let go fully in bed. Humans are sexual beings and feeling sexually satisfied is your birthright.

I recommend starting by making a list of all the things you want from your partner sexually and what your boundaries are. If you don’t know what you want and don't want, your partner won’t know either, they can’t read your mind. Once you're clear about what you want, it’s time to talk with your partner.

2. Communicate with your partner

Communication about sex shouldn’t just happen during sex, it’s important to discuss it outside the bedroom too. I see discussions about sex as an ongoing conversation that over time deepens trust, provides greater understanding, and heightens intimacy. Bring an attitude of openness, curiosity, and honesty, and start by describing your desires. Make sure that you inform your partner what your boundaries are and if you’re ready, share some of your fantasies. Invite and encourage them to share theirs too. Express what feels good, give feedback without criticism, and ask open questions. This will help you better understand each other’s wants, needs, and desires.

3. Believe your partner

Most likely your partner will tell you that they want to please you. Seriously, most of us enjoy satisfying our partners! So, when they tell you this, believe them. Trust that their interest in your pleasure is genuine, and don’t dismiss or downplay any of their efforts. Let that knowledge enable you to enjoy the experience and be ruthless, without feeling guilty or worried you’re hurting them.

4. Be responsible for yourself

Your partner can do the things you enjoy in bed, but your pleasure is your responsibility, and the pleasure your partner experiences is theirs. While you and your partner want to satisfy each other, it’s important that you each take ownership of what you need and express it clearly. Don’t expect your partner to guess what works for you. Advocate for yourself by sharing what you enjoy, experimenting together, and being honest if something isn’t working. When you take responsibility for your own needs, you empower both yourself and your partner to create a more satisfying sexual experience.

5. Take your time in bed

Good sex takes time and there should be no rush. One of the biggest challenges in bed, especially for women, is feeling rushed or that they’re taking too long to become aroused or to achieve an orgasm. Allowing yourself to take your time will enable you to immerse yourself in sensations, connect deeply with your partner, and explore each other’s bodies without pressure. See if you both can slow down and savor the moment. Help each other to let go of the idea that there’s a timeline or performance expectation to meet. Taking your time also helps reduce spectatoring and performance anxiety and will allow both of you to focus on what truly feels good.

Conclusion

At its core, sexual ruthlessness is about permitting yourself to prioritize your pleasure unapologetically, by ridding yourself of guilt, worry, and shame. As Michael J. Bader explains, this isn’t selfish or cruel, it’s liberating and necessary for you and your partner to feel satisfied in bed.

Good sex doesn’t come from being overly accommodating or hyper-fixated on pleasing our partner; it comes from two people showing up as their authentic, sensual selves. Embracing ruthlessness allows you to fulfill your desires while creating a dynamic where pleasure flows freely between you and your partner. When both of you are empowered to engage in your pleasure, the experience isn’t just satisfying, it’s transformative.

What’s one thing you can do today to step into your sexual ruthlessness? Drop a comment below or reach out directly.