Why Turning Away from Intimacy is also Turning Away from Pleasure

What if I told you that unapologetic pleasure in the bedroom isn’t just about staying connected to your partner, it’s about staying connected to yourself? Pleasure has the power to transform, making you feel truly seen, alive, and in touch with who you are.

Sadly, many couples I see feel disconnected, not just from their partner, but also from pleasure itself. They become caught up in daily routines where intimacy feels like a chore rather than a source of joy. But here’s the truth: intimacy and pleasure are inseparable. When we turn away from intimacy, Both emotionally or physically, we also turn away from pleasure.

Pleasure isn’t just a fleeting indulgence; it’s essential to living a full, connected, and meaningful life. It reminds us that we’re more than our responsibilities or the roles we take on. It allows us to connect, not only with a partner but also with our emotions and deepest desires.

Whether due to social conditioning, guilty or shameful feelings, or simply the exhaustion of everyday life, pleasure often gets deprioritized in favor of productivity, mindless distractions, and the need to always be "doing" rather than simply “being.” But when we constantly turn away from pleasure, we don’t just miss out on enjoyment, we lose a vital source of emotional and physical well-being. Pleasure reduces stress, strengthens bonds, and reminds us that life is meant to be experienced, not just managed.

This is why intimacy matters. The two go hand in hand because intimacy allows us to fully embody pleasure, not just in the bedroom, but in every aspect of our lives. And when we shut ourselves off from intimacy, we unwittingly shut ourselves off from pleasure, too.

In this post, we’ll explore how turning away from intimacy leads to a loss of pleasure, how this affects our relationships and overall happiness, and most importantly, how we can reclaim both.

Why People Turn Away from Pleasure (and Intimacy)

If pleasure is vital to our health and well-being, why do so many people struggle to prioritize it? The fact is, turning away from pleasure often happens without realizing it and is shaped by difficult life experiences, societal expectations, and emotional barriers.

One of the most common reasons is fear of vulnerability and rejection. Pleasure, especially in the context of sex, requires openness, both with a partner and with oneself. For those of us who have been hurt in the past, whether through betrayal, criticism, or unmet emotional needs, allowing ourselves to experience pleasure can feel risky and overwhelming. It’s easier to build walls rather than risk being let down or worse yet, hurt.

Past sexual and childhood trauma can also play a significant role. Negative sexual experiences, childhood neglect, or emotional wounds from previous relationships can create an unconscious aversion to pleasure. The body and mind may associate sex and intimacy with discomfort or even danger rather than safety and joy, making it difficult to embrace pleasure without fear, guilt, or even physical pain.

Additionally, societal conditioning teaches many of us, especially women, that prioritizing pleasure is selfish, shameful, or even dirty. Subtle messages that we absorb about putting others first, avoiding being seen as overly sexual, and needing to “earn” pleasure through hard work can lead people to suppress their desires or feel guilt when they do indulge.

Lastly, a lack of connection to our partner can make pleasure feel empty or unfulfilling. Without intimacy and emotional closeness, physical pleasure may become mechanical or boring, leaving people feeling disconnected rather than satisfied. Over time, this emotional and physical detachment can lead to avoidance, further reinforcing the cycle of turning away from both intimacy and inadvertently, pleasure.

The problem is when we push pleasure away, consciously or not, we also distance ourselves from joy, emotional and physical connection, and happiness. In the next section, we’ll explore these hidden costs of rejecting pleasure and how it impacts not just our relationships, but our overall well-being.

The Hidden Costs of Rejecting Pleasure

Turning away from pleasure doesn’t just diminish moments of joy, it has deeper, long-term effects on our emotional, physical, and relational well-being. When we suppress pleasure, we often suppress other emotions as well, leading to emotional numbness. Over time, this can make life feel dull; as if we're going through the motions rather than truly living life to its fullest.

In relationships, the lack of intimacy and pleasure can create loneliness and emotional disconnection, even when two people are physically present, living their lives together. Without shared moments of intimacy and vulnerability, partners may feel more like roommates than lovers, leading to frustration, resentment, or isolation.

Physically, avoiding pleasure, especially sexual pleasure, can result in decreased satisfaction and desire. When intimacy becomes routine or non-existent, the body and mind tend to adapt by inhibiting desire and arousal, making it harder to reconnect with passion when the opportunity arises. Over time, this can lead to a cycle where the less we engage in pleasure and sex, the less we want it. We might start to believe that we don’t need sexual pleasure in our lives anymore.

Perhaps most importantly, rejecting pleasure can contribute to mental health struggles, including anxiety, sadness, and feelings of unworthiness. Pleasure is a natural source of stress relief and emotional balance. When we deny ourselves moments of release and connection, we often feel overwhelmed, disconnected, or dissatisfied with life.

By avoiding pleasure, we don’t just protect ourselves from pain, we also deny ourselves the deep fulfillment it can provide. Fortunately, pleasure is always within reach, and by understanding its importance, we can start to reclaim it. In the next section, we’ll explore how to rebuild intimacy and embrace pleasure without fear or guilt.

Reclaiming Pleasure: How to Reconnect with Intimacy

The good news? Pleasure and desire aren’t lost forever, they can always be reclaimed, even when we feel we’ve lost touch with ourselves or our partner. Reconnecting with intimacy and pleasure starts with awareness and intention. Many of us don’t realize how much we’ve deprioritized pleasure until we take a step back and assess our relationship with it. Are you avoiding intimacy out of habit, stress, or anger? Do you struggle with guilt, shame, or anxiety when you’re experiencing sexual pleasure? Are you feeling disconnected from your partner or your desires? Recognizing any of these feelings is the first step toward change.

Next, prioritize emotional intimacy. Physical pleasure thrives in a space of trust, emotional connection, and time spent with your partner. If intimacy has felt distant in your relationship, start by rebuilding closeness in small ways, for example, through meaningful conversations, physical touch outside of sex, and simply making time for each other without distractions. Emotional closeness fosters safety, which lays the foundation for deeper, more fulfilling intimate experiences.

Challenge limiting beliefs about sex and pleasure. If you’ve been conditioned to see pleasure as selfish, shameful, or unimportant, it’s time to unlearn those messages. Pleasure is a natural and necessary part of well-being. It is your birthright. Embracing it doesn’t make you indulgent, it simply makes you human. You are allowed to permit yourself to experience pleasure without guilt or shame.

Finally, communicate openly about your wants, desires, and needs. Many couples struggle with intimacy simply because they don’t talk about it. If you and your partner have been avoiding conversations about sex, pleasure, or emotional connection, start small. Express what you miss, what you crave, or what you’d love to explore together. Honest communication can transform intimacy from feeling routine, into something exciting and fulfilling.

Conclusion: Embracing Pleasure Without Fear, Guilt or Shame

Turning away from intimacy means turning away from pleasure, and ultimately, turning away from a richer, more connected, and meaningful life. But it’s never too late to course correct. By making space for intimacy, prioritizing pleasure, and challenging the barriers that hold you back, you can rediscover the joy, passion, and deep fulfillment that a truly intimate connection with your partner and yourself can bring.

If you and your partner are struggling with emotional intimacy, communication about sex, or need help exploring your sexuality in a shame-free, motivating environment, don’t be shy to reach out for help. Seeking support can be a powerful step toward healing and growth. If you’re ready to reconnect with yourself, your partner, and the pleasure you deserve, I’m here to help. Get in touch and let’s start the conversation!