Are you Distracted During Sex?

A common issue women bring into my office is frustration with becoming distracted during sex. These women aren’t necessarily unsatisfied with the sex they’re having, rather they’re struggling with being stuck in their heads, thinking about how they look, sound, or how they’re performing. They mentally check out from the experience and can’t figure out how to shut off their overactive brains. They end up being an observer of the sexual event, watching themselves from an outsider's perspective, rather than being fully present and immersed in what’s happening. This phenomenon is called spectatoring, and is a common challenge that many people, particularly women, face in their sex lives.

The term spectatoring was coined by human sexuality pioneers William Masters and Virginia Johnson and is often linked to performance anxiety or issues with body image. It can happen during any sexual encounter, but frequently occurs when we feel hyper-aware of how our body looks or when we’re feeling insecure. It’s a form of self-consciousness during sex that inhibits us, disconnecting us from ourselves and our partners.

What Causes Spectatoring

Spectatoring is a natural human response however, there are a few culprits that make it more likely to show up. Below are the most common reasons people experience spectatoring.

1. Body Image Dissatisfaction

One of the most common reasons we start spectatoring is when we feel dissatisfied with our bodies. Society conditions us to believe that our bodies should fit a certain ideal to be considered attractive or desirable. This often leads to self-doubt and insecurity during sex.

The pressure from society to have a certain body type or to be within a certain age category, in order to feel ‘sexy’ or ‘acceptable’ should not be overlooked. When these body image concerns arise, it’s hard to stay present with our partner and it makes sense that our minds look for an escape. Spectatoring is often the ‘solution,’ though it doesn’t actually solve anything.

2. Fear of Judgment

The fear of being judged by a partner or even by society at large, often contributes to spectatoring. If we feel like we might be judged for how we look, act, or perform in bed we often distance ourselves emotionally. This is a self-protection mechanism that sadly also prevents us from fully engaging with ourselves and our partner.

3. Unrealistic Expectations

All day long we’re fed through (social) media, films, and pornography unrealistic expectations about what sex should look like. It’s not just the portrayal of perfect bodies, but also the image of a flawless sexual performance, and an idealized sexual experience, all of which can leave us feeling like we’re not measuring up.

The pressure to live up to an unattainable standard often creates feelings of inadequacy. This leads to a negative internal dialogue during sex where we end up comparing our experience to that which we believe we should be having.

4. Performance Anxiety

Performance anxiety in bed can be a significant contributor to spectatoring. The fear of not being good enough in bed or not being able to satisfy our partner often leads to intense self-monitoring. Sadly, when we’re preoccupied with our sexual performance and whether or not we are "doing it right", we miss out on the emotional connection with our partner and the physical sensations of the experience.

Performance anxiety often causes people to focus more on what they should be doing rather than what they are doing. This preoccupation leads to less enjoyment of what could otherwise be a positive experience.

5. Life Stress

Spectatoring can also stem from the mundane distractions of everyday life, like running through to-do lists or stressing about work during sex. When our minds are preoccupied with responsibilities, deadlines, or unresolved tasks it's hard to stay present and fully engaged. This mental chatter can pull us out of the moment, making it less enjoyable.

How Spectatoring Affects Intimacy

For many, spectatoring is a deeply frustrating experience and can be a significant barrier to intimacy, often causing the following issues:

1. Decreased Pleasure

The most immediate negative effect of spectatoring is a decrease in pleasure. When your mind is focused elsewhere during sex, you’re not engaging with your body and your sensations. This can lead to dissatisfaction, difficulty achieving orgasm, or feeling sexually unfulfilled.

2. Emotional Disconnection

Spectatoring can disrupt the emotional connection between you and your partner. Sex isn’t just about physical pleasure; it’s about creating a bond and a shared experience. When you’re distracted, your partner often notices. This can make them uncomfortable and prevent them from fully connecting with you on a deeper level. The lessening of an emotional connection can make both of you feel unsatisfied, possibly leading to distance in the relationship.

3. Increased Anxiety

Constantly worrying about your body or performance heightens anxiety and stress, both during and after sex. This can lead to a negative cycle of anxiety, which can make it even harder to enjoy future sexual experiences, as this cycle feeds into more spectatoring. Sadly, it can turn into a repetitive loop that feels endless.

4. Avoidance of Sex

To avoid experiencing the negative cycle that spectatoring often creates, you might start avoiding sex altogether. Needless to say, this can lead to feeling disconnected from your partner, but also from your sexuality. To cope, you might shut down sexually altogether, which can negatively affect your self-esteem and overall well-being.

How to Overcome Spectatoring and Reclaim Pleasure

Overcoming spectatoring is possible with awareness, practice, and the right strategies. Here are some effective ways to stop spectatoring and become more present sex:

1. Be aware that you’re spectatoring

It sounds simple to be aware of spectatoring, yet often we’re not aware of the negative dialogue happening during sex or that we’ve stepped out of our bodies and are in observation mode. Being aware that you’re spectatoring is the first step towards keeping it at bay. As soon as you notice that you’re focused on how you look or perform, you can shift the focus of your attention to bodily sensations (see below).

2. Shift your focus to sensations

Once you notice you’re spectatoring during sex, try shifting your awareness to how your body feels. Practice mindfulness by closing your eyes, and redirecting your attention to the sensations in your body. Focus on the physical experience of touch; is it pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral? When your mind wanders, gently bring it back to the body. Remember, this will take practice, so be kind to yourself. You might need to redirect your mind a hundred times, but with practice, it will get easier over time.

2. Practice self-compassion

Self-criticism is one of the main reasons we experience spectatoring, so practicing self-compassion is key. Reminding yourself that bodies are beautiful in all shapes and sizes and that our self-worth isn’t based on performance or appearance can be helpful. Practice speaking kindly to yourself and expose yourself to realistic examples of how women look on social media, instead of the picture-perfect influencers who rely on filters. This can help you embrace the imperfections. And remember, intimacy is about connection, not perfection.

3. Communicate openly with your partner

Communication is important when trying to overcome spectatoring. Let your partner know if you’re feeling self-conscious or disconnected during sex, and invite them to reassure you. Talking openly about your needs, desires, and insecurities can create a deeper emotional connection, allowing you both to focus on enjoying the experience, rather than worrying about looks or performance.

4. Focus on emotional connection

Instead of worrying about your looks or performance, focus on the emotional bond you’re building with your partner. Intimacy is about trust, vulnerability, and connection. This emotional foundation is far more important than any external standard. When you’re at the end of your life, you’ll reflect more on how you connected with your partner than on how you looked or performed.

Conclusion

Spectatoring is a normal phenomenon that many of us will engage in at some point during sex, but understanding how to overcome it can help you reclaim your pleasure and connection with yourself and your partner. By shifting your focus from self-criticism to self-compassion, practicing mindfulness, and fostering open communication with your partner, you can enjoy more meaningful, satisfying intimate experiences. Remember, you deserve to be present in the moment and experience true pleasure while embracing your body and trusting in your connection with your partner.

If spectatoring is getting in the way of having great sex and you struggle to find solutions that work, you’re not alone. Let’s start the conversation! Drop a comment below or reach out to me directly. Sometimes, simply talking about it can be the first step toward breaking the cycle.